Tuesday, November 27, 2007

make it fruitcake!

When was the last time you bought a fruitcake? It seems that people only buy it during the holiday season. Fruitcake can be a hard thing to sell any other time of the year. How would you market it, to remedy this problem? I mean, I think it would be hard to dream up a serious campaign to sell more fruitcake, especially on TV. What would an ad have to say to you, in order to entice you to buy a fruitcake, if you had absolutely no intention of buying one and certainly no intention of ever eating a fruitcake?

My answer to this would be to harness the power and cuteness of the coati mundi. That's right, it's absolutely necessary to enlist the help of an adorable, cuddly animal friend, one that demonstrates a love for fruit. At the left is a picture of a baby coati eating an apple. Or maybe that's a pear. Anyway, a coati is bound to love a fruitcake. And he's a sweet, deserving little cutie-pie, too. We would downplay the fact that coatis will eat almost anything and that they are related to those famous garbage-eaters, raccoons. We do NOT need to mention that.

I think these fruitcakes should be called Tutti Fruiti Coati Cakes, and should be packaged in a tin with various pictures of this adorable, semi-tropic mammal eating fruitcakes. This is important, because we want to avoid the possibility of anyone thinking that there is Coati IN the cakes. No one thinks that Little Debbie is actually an ingredient in cakes because she's pictured looking so healthy on the package, so this should work.

Look! Badgers have been used to sell lotion, and they aren't even all that cute. Coatis could sell fruitcake, easily. And maybe we'll throw in a little coati figurine, in the center of the cake, so people can collect the whole set of tins and toys.
lagniappe (lan-YAP, LAN-yap) noun

An unexpected benefit, especially a small gift a customer receives with a purchase.

This post inspired by this guy.


tsduff said...

Actonbell - you should be one hot item in the marketing world... voila your new career awaits you :) You could sell anything!

TLP said...

Ditto what Terry said!

I'll be so glad when you're unemployed and can write for us more often.

Doug said...

Actonbell, that was a wonderful post!

Doug said...

Oh, and I meant to say I bought a fruitcake once. I think it was 1986 and I had never had one because, I think, nobody liked us. It sucked but I ate it. Money didn't come cheap those days.

ariel said...

Actonbell, I so much don't thank you for bringing this video back to my memory!

Excellent market strategy! I want to eat a fruit cake! (Fruitcake is one of those few things I can bake. Ok, the thing I can bake.)

The Lazy Iguana said...

You know what I do when someone gives me a fruitcake. I re-gift it right away. Sometimes right back to the person who just gave it to me.

I do not think any cute animal marketing strategy would help fruitcake.

I have often wondered if people could use fruitcake to heat their homes. Like coal.

Lily Strange said...

Fruitcake is eeeeevilllll!!! It has that nasty candied fruit in it. Ewwww!

Theresa said...

Do you know anyone who has actually eaten a fruitcake? :)

ariel said...

*gives The Lazy Iguana friutcake*

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I would say: "Buy it now! Most beautiastic doorstop ever!"

Jocelyn said...

I love your creativity...and the fact that coatimundis freak me only made me scream a little.

Minka said...


I think can be bought an presented every day, even without fluffy playmates.

See, in our daily lifes we are surrounded by fruitcakes, an endless amount...all of them nutty (everybody but me!), so instead of calling them mewling buffons, you can just present them with a fruitcake and a smile ...they'll get it!

G said...

How have I lived this long without a Tutti Frutti Coati Cake?!

PS: I love how you say nobody thinks that Little Debbie is in a cake and go on to qualify because she looks so healthy on the cover. I just craked up at that.